I Need To Get My Act Together

I need to get my act together like permanently.

I don't know what happened to me, but I am definately not the same person that I was a few years ago. I know that people 'grow up' and change. But I think that I have changed for the worst.

I am so antisocial these days. And its like I want to have good friends, but I'm just such an introvert that it is hard for me to make them. I don't know. Sometimes, I miss having the huge group of friends that I used to have, and sometimes I don't. I miss feeling like I belong in a group, and like I have people that I can go to. But I guess I put myself in the situation that I am in right now. I just can't seem to keep friends. I haven't figured out why yet. I'm probably too critical, or too boring (my favourite pass time is reading, not really a thing you can do in a group setting), and I never know the right things to say. I'm horrible at starting, and keeping conversations going. Add all of those factors up together, and it equals ALONE.

Now I'm not totally alone. I have Christopher, although I don't know for how long seeing as how I treat him like crap. He doesn't deserve that, I think that it may be me venting out all of mu frustrations on him, because he is the only one around, and I feel safe with him. But he doesn't deserve that shit. He never has deserved anything like that. I love him so much, I really do, but I just can't seem to stop myself from hurting him.

So that brings me to the fact that I really do have to get my act together. I have to do it for Chris, who is the greatest thing to ever walk into my life.
But I also have to do it for me. I don't like the person that I have become. I've spent too long feeling sorry for myself, and blaming others, but I've come to realize that I am the problem. I need the fixing, not anyone else.

So here it goes. Time to change, time to become a better person, time to get my act together, because if I don't, I will lose the love of my life, the few friends that I have now, and I will lose myself.

<3

It's time to get my act together